Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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