just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
