...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
