Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
