my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
