you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
