i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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