I want to walk on stilts...naked
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
