I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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