just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
