I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
