Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize