Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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