She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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