if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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