Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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