My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
