what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize