i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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