I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i came on her dog
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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