The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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