highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
