There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
