I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize