i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
