During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
