Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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