textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize