Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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