I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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