you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
