you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
