I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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