you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
this is an emotional support booty call
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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