we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
