I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
