If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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