Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
