insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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