I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
