I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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