I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
