im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
