i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
