the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
