Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
