My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
