Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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