what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
