i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
