I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
