I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize