I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
