Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
