I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
