First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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