My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
