Michael Bay diarrhea
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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