It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
