youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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