In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I met the friendliest cop last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
