the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
