I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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