I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
