by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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