Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
