he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
