How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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